If you know me very well, you know that I have lost people that I love. It has been 20 years since my little sister Jamie died and today makes it 13 years since one of my best friends Shanny died. Death is always one of the things that is brought up as a cause for weight gain, and not being able to get it off. But even if I think that is a cause... how do I fix it? I can't bring them back. I feel like I have accepted their gone, so what do I do? It is so hard to get in the mind set of working out and eating right. I can do it for a while, but a little detour and I am right back where I started. So low self esteem mixed with losing loved ones equals over weight. So I ask again... if this is my problem. How do I fix it?
I lost my best friend Heather to cancer last year. She passed on July 4th, so this independence day is going to be hard for me. I held her hand all the way through the most horrible battle. I cryed with her on so many occasions because she didn't want to leave her kids behind. They didn't understand what was happening either. She hid her cancer from her family. The only ones that knew of her diagnosis were me and her husband (he was no help). She made if very clear that she didn't want anyone to know. She was in such horrible denial and she was trying to beat it with holistic meathods and she was doing it all on her own. Every month she would tell me she was getting better, but I could see her going downhill fast. I eventually had to go behind her back and tell her mother and sisters who lived out of state of her condition and all that she had been hiding from them. It may or may not have been my place to do that, but she wouldn't go to a doctor and wasn't seeking any medical help for herself. She was locking herself in her home and completely relying on me to help her through it. It became too much for me and also became a moral issue for me to watch her die. She saw what I did as the biggest betrayal of our friendship. She wrote me a letter that tore out my heart. She said that my betrayal caused her worse pain than the cancer... and she wished she had never knew me. She passed not many months later, but at least she did it with her sisters and mother by her side. I can't even describe the pain that went through me... other than to say that LIFE SUCKS. It's beautiful, but then it sucks - and that's what makes it beautiful again. I have found myself eating also to take away the pain. It's literally a numbing device. For that moment I didn't have to think about it anymore - it's like checking out. I also think that I question the "kind of person I am" because of what she thought of me... and maybe I don't deserve better than this? Even though I know I did the right thing. There is definitely self-worth issues there. But, what I found more helpful is speaking out and talking about it. Things were never really right with us again and it was SO hard feeling like she passed without really knowing how much I loved her and that what I did was out of loving her even at the possibility of sacraficing our friendship to get her help... anyway - as you can see - it's still fresh to me. Sometimes it's like it was yesterday. I totally get where you're coming from.
ReplyDeleteLes, that makes me so sad for you. You have to know that you did the right thing. And her family will forever be greatful to you. I truly believe that our loved ones that pass on are still around us. And my wish for you is that she finds a way to tell you thank you. Thank you for being by her side when she was so sick, thank you for telling her family when she didn't have the will, thank you for loving her regardless of what she might have said to hurt you. You truly are a great friend, and you made her passing easier and filled with the love of her family as well.
ReplyDeleteI lost weight after than because I was so hurt, I was sick about it. You know how you lose your appetite after a major event like that. I know that I did the right thing, but I still have so much guilt over it. Guilt of waiting too long to tell her secret (even though it wasn't mine to tell). I knew that she was progressing and I knew that it was going to come down to me forcing help on her - I just didn't have the strength to do it earlier and I wanted to believe her so much when she said she was getting better. Guilt over going behind her back instead of have the guts to tell her to her face that I was going to contact her family. Guilt over lots of things and food definitely plays a role in all the emotions here. I have questioned "the kind of person I am" over this whole year. I do think that sometimes we sabotage ourselves because we don't think we deserve any better. Plus without the food to help numb me, that means I have to "deal" on my own. That's hard to do. Every night I get flooded with memories over the last year. I replay things in my head... things I should have done differently. Things I should have said on our last conversation because I didn't know it was going to be our "last". I'm sure you know all these feelings. When I go through these feelings every night, I get the urge to eat myself into a coma. It is a comfort. Hopefully over time, only the sweet memories will remain when I think of my time with her. My life has been so much stress over the last year. I feel like I did lifes top 10 stressers at once. I lost my best friend that was like a sister to me in such a horrible way, we lost our house in a foreclosure, my husband changed jobs and took a huge paycut, we moved away, we had our 5th baby... my goodness, the list goes on. I feel like this was one of those years that will stand out in my life forever. My baby is such a blessing and I know without a doubt that he was sent to me at this time to take my mind off other things and change the direction of thought and hurt. I know Heather was in the delivery room with me - I felt her there. I told my husband that she had a chance to hold him and know him before he was born. I believe that she knows the truth of how I feel - how I felt and how much I hurt. I just wish I could let it all go now... anyway, you are right - emotions are a key factor to weight gain. Whether it be stress, hurt, depression, boredom... it's all emotions that food is a "crutch" for. I want happiness - I crave it. But I have to love myself enough to go out and do it and take it.
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